Rubbing My Eyes....

Okay, so one of the reasons I created this blog was because I was so badly jetlagged from my flight home from Malaysia. I have just returned from 2.5 weeks worth of vacation to the land of rubber, tin, palm oil, and heavy crude.


So I slept for 16 hours and found myself awake at 3 in the morning. I had been rubbing my eyes because a protracted emotional avalanche that I can only describe as Separation Anxiety Disorder. Wikipedia.org defines Separation Anxiety Disorder defines "a psychological condition in which an individual has excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment." I have to say that this is quite an unusual feeling for me, because this writer has a strong aversion to forming emotional attachments in the first place. No, I'm not that kid who wasn't loved enough or pampered enough. The reason is: Once I form an attachment, it's really difficult for me to dissolve that attachment. So I prefer not to form the attachment in the first place.

You see, my memories of my childhood are filled with moments where I am alone. Waiting for my father to finish his rounds or to get out surgery. Waiting for my mother to pick me up at school. Waiting at the Metro North stations in New York for the trains to come. Hanging out in my room and listening to the New York Knicks on the radio (yes this took years off my life). A medical psychiatrist friend of mine told me that I form these strong attachments because, to be sure, I did not have a lot of practice forming them as a kid growing up. No siblings, no close cousins, and not really a lot of friends.

Anyway, no more psychobabble for now. I don't really believe in that crap anyway. Here is the email I wrote to my extended family this morning:

Dear Family,
I have finally woken up from 16 hours of sleep, and it's 8 in the morning on Saturday. The flight back wasn't very relaxing, as it was one of the worst flights I have ever taken from an emotional standpoint. I was very sad to leave everyone in KL. It had been over a decade since i have seen many of you last. That amount of time is too much, and for that I take responsibility. I made an observation to Malini and Jaya as they were driving me to the airport: After too long of a time, one's family tends to become "those people in the old photos I have in the album." So this was a special trip for me to see everyone, and ending the trip proved to be very difficult. I want to thank everyone for setting aside large ammounts of time to make me feel like a loved relative again! Many of you set aside days and evenings to include me in your dinner plans and take me to various places. Many of you lent your spare bedrooms and bathrooms, and many of you managed to quench my insatiable appetite for coffee and pooris! I will promise to be back soon. Ideally I would like to come back in 2010 and sometime when it is not quite as rainy ;) But I will come back soon! And, in the meantime, I will keep in touch thru emails. I love you all very much, and miss you terribly. Thanks again!

Yes, the author of this blog is embarrassed to say that my father's side of the family had become "those people in the photographs in that album somewhere." Isn't that awful? What kind of person thinks that? Me. That's who. But no longer. This trip changed that. I just hope I never became "that grandson/nephew/cousin from America...you know, the one who doesn't write or call and hardly ever visits."

Terima Kasih, Malaysia, for a wonderful trip. I'll be back soon. I promise