Relationships and Conspiracy Theories

So I have gotten lots of feedback from my post on Relationships, Dating, the "Tipping Point" and the "Butterfly Effect." Most of the feedback was negative. The common denominator seems to be, "You, sir, are complicating everything. Relationships are not supposed to be that hard, at least in the beginning."

The irony here is that many of these criticisms came from people who a) are single, b) who have struggled in recent years to gain any traction on any relationship, c) are in dating relationships that have had their fair share of "false starts," or d) are in relationships that are sputtering along like a car that needed an oil change 30,000 miles ago.

I know..I can be cruel. I don't know why.

Nevertheless, a fair point by the critics. Consider me one who is prone to extreme overanalysis. Throughout the years I am convinced that people are predisposed tell someone what he or she wants to hear, rather than the tough, hard truth. I mean..c'mon, right? How can you tell an ostensibly nice person with whom you been out 2 or 3 times:

-"hey, you're not really worth more than two nights and/or $200...whichever comes first."

-"look, you're really nice, but there is no chance in hell I would ever date JUST you. Can you live with that? Then we will get along just great."

-"Don't call me. I'll call you, okay? Actually, I'll text you...most likely when I am really drunk. And if you call or text me? I am screening the shit out of it. Even though I got the voicemail/text right away, I am going to pretend as though I am miles away from my cell phone for hours on end, and that I check it once every few days."

We humans are experts in sugarcoating. So we say anything we can to:

-toss any obligation we have to you in the garbage

-coddle your self-esteem..."look, you are a really nice person.. "

-save the friendship

-maybe string you along for a few months, until you have the stomach to tell us to "bugger off!"

Splice in a segment from Love Connection: "Well, Chuck, the biggest problem I had on our her first date was making her think I gave a damn."

Okay, back to earth.

I recently watched for the umpteenth time one of my favorite movies: Someone Like You. Someone Like You stars Ashley Judd and Hugh Jackman. I don't want to give away the plot since I think the readers should see the move and feel the experience for themselves. Ah...screw it. I tell you what it's about, cuz it's important to this post.

The movie essentially focuses on how Jane (Ashley Judd) deals with her breakup with Ray (Greg Kinnear). First off, as to who would ever break up with a woman who's as lovely as Ashley Judd is beyond me. Anyhoo, Jane and Ray are seemingly in love, firing on all cylinders, and in the process of moving in together---Greg even drops the "L" word on her--when, out of nowhere, Ray begins to have cold feet. Now, Ray doesn't come out and say that he has cold feet. His cold feet manifest itself in typical and recognizable ways. Increasing aloofness. Emotional detachment. Petty disagreements and criticisms. Eventually these culminate in near total abandonment.

What complicates the issue further is that Jane and Ray are coworkers. In other words, Ray cannot retreat behind the thicket of evasions and call screening. He eventually has to confront her, and he confesses that he has returned to his previous girlfriend.

Jane copes with the unexpected failure of her relationship by conceiving--in a relationship advice column under a nom de plume--of an elaborate theory about male behavior. Men behave like cows. Their bovine impulses prevent fidelity, monogamy, and emotional attachment. The column becomes an instant and unexpected success.

Enter Eddie (Hugh Jackman), who provides Jane with both a last minute place to stay and reliable emotional support. We learn later in the movie that Eddie too has been run over by the heartbreak express, and he deals with the problem by first taking a sledge hammer to the wall of his apartment, and secondly by having a ridiculous amount of mindless, casual sex. This exchange is pretty memorable:

Jane: What is on your neck? (referring to a pre- or mid-coital bite mark)
Eddie: I bit myself shaving.
Jane: You know, that's why God invented turtlenecks.
Eddie: No, that's why God invented Darlene.

At first Eddie's behavior confirms Jane's theories about male promiscuity. But she later realizes that Eddie is not a bad person. They are two people dealing the same problem: a really bad breakup. Eventually Jane realizes the utter foolishness of her theory---and realizes she is in love with Eddie.

Observation #1: This movie is flat-out incredible. Netflix it now or buy it here.

Observation #2: We all meet someone that changes our lives---colors seem dull, food has suddenly lost its taste. Everything else that's imports recedes into the background. That someone hooks you like a deep-sea fisherman and you can't wriggle free. You get off the phone with them and you can't wait to hear their voice again.

And then....GONG.....it ends. You can't explain it. "How did I not see this coming?"

So, as form of self-preservation, we have these defense mechanisms. Some of us, like Eddie, need to fornicate our way out of it. A personal note: from experience, I'm not sure this works, unless you really wanna mortgage your self-esteem and whatever shred of dignity you have for both cheap thrills and something to brag about to your buddies.

And others need to weave complicated theories about the opposite sex. Why? Again, defense mechanisms. The reasons for the heartbreak can't possibly be because of me, the individual. We attribute our failures to something general and global. Consider this exchange:

Eddie: It's over. Why can't you just let it go?
Jane: I can't.
Eddie: Why?
Jane: Because I was happy. Because if this theory is wrong, men don't leave all women, Eddie, they leave me.

And Jane lets her mask slip.....

The irony here is that, despite Jane's pontificating, she continues to wait for Ray to come back to her. All men are cows, but Jane is secretly hoping that Ray proves her wrong. So Jane's theory is a mirage designed specifically to emotionally tide her over until Ray comes crawling back or she finds someone knew.

Observation #3: Getting run over and stepped on is not the sole province of the female species. And screwing the opposite sex over is not something unique to those of us with Y chromosomes.

Jane and Eddy both had their hearts broken unexpectedly. Another personal note: I was dumped by my ex-girlfriend a month after my mom passed away and for no good reason (Oh wait, she had a reason: she erroneously accused me of cheating on her...ah yes, I remember it now. It must have been before the eulogy I gave at my mom's funeral).

Its how we move on. Just do all of us a favor: don't be like every other pea-brained postmodern feminist out there and concoct some wild scheme about how pulverizing women's hearts is in our DNA, and the secretly hope your theory is hogwash.

Observation #4: Intimacy is MUCH better with someone you know than with a stranger. Cheap, casual sex...while satisfying in small to moderate doses...IS associated with the same lobe of the brain that incubates insecurity and low self-esteem.




Thoughts? thanks!